All of us have been grappling with lockdown in our own unique and not so unique ways. I live with my parents and all three of us are high risk subjects so initially I had completely shut down. I wanted to just distant myself from all the noise in media (social, tv and the whatsapp news minions) so I stopped reading about the daily counts, I took social distancing to extreme level with friends who were members of the news minions army by just temporarily blocking them from my life.
My only source of information was Ted Connect daily. But after sometime that too got boring. The best thing that happened to me was the work from home and the home chores kept me so busy that by the end of the day I was too exhausted to think about covid and the impact its happening on me and my family.
I think, on a good day, I am a sensitive person, and the negative media news affects me. So you can imagine,as they call it, "these unprecedented times" , so yes I did have my mini and not so mini meltdowns.
First month I think I just took one day as it came, did my work, thanked god for the food and health of my family. I was so into strict one day at a time, live in the moment funda I am a strong advocate of, I forgot my brother's anniversary, not that I am very good with remembering dates, but I did not remember despite many hints and but what hurt me most was I forgot Dexter's death anniversary. Now that's something that made me realize I need to take a moment or more and actually have the much needed chat with self on "Hey how you doing ?" (the joe style from friends plays in my mind ) but on a soul searching NX level.
Really how am I doing ?
So I am doing great ! Am alive and healthy so I can take care of my loved ones. All my family members are alive and healthy (Touchwood!), we have food, we have shelter that I love, I have a job I love. So yes physiological and some emotional needs are being very satisfied. Thank god for that!
On the other hand I feel I am guilty for wanting to say I am scared, I feel lonely, I miss seeing the vashi creek on my way to work every morning and night, I miss doing things which are a not necessity but I miss them as I am privileged compared to whats happening in the world out there. So I think somewhere between whats right and wrong I realized I can cut myself some slack. Its ok to unapologetically miss the joys of life as long I dont add to the online noise of hashtag lockdown!
But forgetting to remember Dexter's anniversary does not mean covid made me forget to miss him or love him any less is what I am having hard time convincing myself.
On the other hand, Dexter I know for sure you are laughing at yet another stupidity of mine. But yes I am realizing I feel guilty that somewhere the pain of loosing him has faded though very fractional and I have this unnecessary need to hold on to it with all I have. Sometimes when I have to re narrate or narrate a story I have not bored my close ones with (About Dexter- my first boy - the world's most amazing soul - my 11 yr old labrador who left us 4 years back) and say Angel (Our 2 year old goldy - aka Devil aka Gundappa swamy) instead of Dexter, I feel very guilty.
Today when I told my ma I am missing Angel a lot as he is living with my brother during lockdown, I again felt very guilty. In my head I guess pain = loves in some twisted sense and Loving Angel = Loving Dexter less, in a more idiotic sense.
Letting go = Loving less in away. Am I the only one who is stupid ? Lets conveniently blame the illogical woman's brain and her hormonal wiring !
I do hope there are homies (And am sure there are men in that group too) out there like me so that we can have a new club to counteract the news minion clubs growing at a rate faster than covid itself.
But I also realized a few things about myself which I am sure many would have also realized about me long back (Haha ( Joker's laugh plays in my mind) Am I sounding narcissistic? Of course not love, you are perfect ;) ).
But for real,
We are much tougher than we give credit to ourselves
We are more blessed than the ones we acknowledge
We have to redefine happiness if we want to survive and thrive
Letting go is a good thing. Am happy in some weighing scale I have slimmed down :P
Also this pandemic had showed me people I should value in life and am so grateful for the love, empathy and concerned bested on me by them. It made the lockdown lots easier. A big shout out to them (You know who You are, woof woof, cuddle cuddle, kiss kiss)
The bonds between family I think is so critical and the backbone of our society and my very existence and I think my family has now a new sense patience after bearing me continuously day after day :D and my gratitude towards them has also reached a new high after few hick ups
However I realized my love affair with chocolate is one of constants and sometimes constants are a good thing.
However I cant help but state the obvious, I could have survive very well without having to experience first hand about the undauntable human spirit that finds a way to survive and thrive come what may. God promise, I trust all books and people that have described it so earnestly :) See am going easy on myself without feeling guilty about it !
Heres my parting shot :). 3 Gen of blue blooded bong girls !
