fire.. no longer do you keep me warm

I have been very lucky in life, whenever trouble came, god always took special care of me. Couple of days back, I fell while getting inside my car at the parking lot in a mall, I dropped my wallet in there and went home, just when I reached my building I realized my loss and went back to the mall, the drive back seemed longer and I prayed ardently to god asking him to keep my wallet in tact. God did listen to me and I found my wallet.

But not all of us are lucky. I have been trying to forget the news articles about sexual abuse flooding the papers the whole of last week but have been very unsuccessful.

The trauma these youngsters or for that matter any one who has been sexually exploited remains alive and burning the rest of their lives. Time the eternal healer too cant do much in this case.. they must be going through toll loss of trust in family.. in god.. in humanity, the dark n greasy feeling of impurity, of being a stigma, the glare and fake sympathy from public,the total loss of self belief, self worth, the “its not reversible” feeling, all these feelings become demons rounding them .. during the day .. in the night.. no exception..

Can we answer their cry of “Why me ?”

Some would say, “its karma”, I really fail to understand that. Why should we suffer for wrong doings in a previous birth ? And if I suffer in this birth, how will I know what wrong I did in my previous birth for which I am suffering now ?

Some would say, “its the body which is suffering but the soul will gain purity / strength.”
What is the use of this kind of purity ? And how can suffering make us more pure and do you think this kind of suffering will make us strong ? Do we need to go through this trauma to emerge stronger ? And how many of them emerge stronger ? There would be a few success stories but by large this leads to either mental dis balance or suicide. Most of them live like living dead..

What is the support our government or each one of us as humans give such people ? Are we open to being friends with them without wanting to know the juicy details of the inside story ? Will any kind of therapy help them heal and look ahead to a future ? Future ?? Do they really have one? The demons of their past will always hover over their present. Will we think of them as potential life partners accepting the fact that they had a traumatic past and leaving it there.. ie in the past? I guess very few of us would ..

I believe in God but sometimes his ways just leave me totally shaken and when I ask him for answers, I pacify myself saying, time will may be unfold it all. But that sounds too hollow to my ear. his ways baffle me and makes me feel so helpless as we really cant do much in the large game of life other than giving our best shot and then like helpless puppets wait for the invisible hands to pull your strings....

fire.. no longer do you keep me warm

but things like these makes us realize how blessed we are to lead a normal life.. to thank god for all the good around us.. or all the bad hidden away from us.. some times its like the world is just a mirage... the truth is deep in and yet very obvious.. its just how deep or shallow you want to dig ...

but the qs still is why ...


well i wish i knew..

there is this wonderful saying in hindi i resort to when am low
"Duniya mein kitne Gum hain, tera gum kitna kum hain"

translated roughly
" There are so many sorrows in the world, compared to that your sorrow is too small."

smile and the world will smile with you

off late morning paper was so full of shocking news that i started dreading the mornings .. but today the paper held a real pleasant surprise that brought back my smile...

a guy got out of coma when his gf wore the fake tan lotion whose smell always repelled him..

sometimes things we dread turns out to be life savers..

happened to me many times..

i hate papaya .. but off late that is the best fruit to binge on coz of lowest GI (glycemic Index)

i hate to exercise .. but now i have found a fun way to do it so that i meet my daily 30 mins requirement

i love chocs.. but now i eat it once in two weeks


all these changes are helping me lead a more healthy stress free life .. but then the internal resistance i had to over come was not funny..

i love this line " change is the only thing constant"

those were da days

me n dex were on our final walk for da day n i see 3 ladies in the park .. swinging on the swing and giggling like little girls.. it was so infectious that i and dexter also joined in.. dexter did the clowning around and i did really let my hair down n played on the swing..

these ladies were like 60 + and really enjoying the moments.. it brought back a flood of memories from my childhood..

but i guess there is still a little child somewhere hidden in each one of us... i still hug ma when i am scared.. i still hold my bros hand when we are crossing a crowded street (dat really annoys him n to add to it i give him a peck so dat he turns really red .. he he..) so things do get better with time.. i would give my barbie doll a bath and change of clothes until recently .. dexter decided she shouldnt go thru the torture of bath so he broke her... chocolates still are the bribe that works wonders with me.. fairy tales are still the best bed time story books and ya lil mermaid makes me cry even today..i still get equally excited when baba calls n says he is getting us some goodies for me n bro and we still fight about who gets to keep what...

thinking about all this brings back the smile.. and i guess in dexter i c that every bit of child ... he really makes me forget my worries and become the lil girl i was once...

time to hit the sack now..

oh btw thatz me n broi on day b4 holi.. many years back.. aint he real cutie pie then...




to add to this..

29/03
i also saw today a middle aged lady with her husband going for an evening walk.. and she asked her husband to pluck flowers for her hair.. n the loving husband dotingly did it..

cant imagine my baba doing it fo ma.. but it was so lovingly done.. made me feel a sweet pain in my heart..

i dream of genie

most of us have grown up (i am talking about chronologically only !!) on alladin and genie fairytale...

so genie if u really are there (like the book "the secret" states) grant me my wishes ........


Wicked Equation:

Weight Loss in kg = Uptake of chocolate in kg



Wooof to ooof:

Make Dexter talk in benglish (bengali & english)



My Gizmo list:

Vrrroooom Vrroooom automobile

witches Vrroomm stick with 100 % UV protection & refrig stocked with .. u guessed it .. dark bitter chocolates


mumbo jumbo converter

with two buttons

Button 1: translates "what people say" to "what people mean"
Button 2 : translates " what they think" to " what i can understand"




I pill (Invisible pill!! & what were u thinking ??$#@!@)

whenever i goof up, i pop this pill, become invisible and people in front of whom i goofed have partial amnesia




GIGO mach (Garbage In Garbage Out)

The corny politicians & coward terrorists get easily corned into trying out this mach and get converted into their actual state = Biodegradable Garbage






hmmm for the time being these seem real good.. i gonna add more to this list with time .............

pressure in .. health out

off late i am crazy busy at work.. with the new marketing year round the corner.. it reminds me of annual exams .. every year religiously it would come in March end .. April beginning and ensure that we suffered under its black cruel and strong arms.. u can cry .. u can run .. u can hide .. but u cant escape from it ...

same feeling grips me every dec - march... with the next years plan to do.. fight tooth and claw for higher marketing budgets.. dream of bigger better sales figures.. ya its here to "the Bigger the better" :) and then go all out with the creatives of the marketing plans.. come up with wacky tactics that gives competitors sleepless nights and we get to have da biggest part of the cake .. yum yum....

and here we slog day in day out .. make a glam presentation to the sales team and there is our mark sheet.. the enthusiasm they show or lack of it .. makes or breaks our day ....
rather that quarter....

but what the heck its the job i really love .. the excitement .. the big idea hunting.. the sleepless nights.. the nerve wrecking suspense..the hunt for the perfect payoff .. the copywriting.. the copy check.. too much happening with lots of drama.....

ya it could be converted into a good soap .. wondering why no soaps run on our profession .. ekta kapoor u listening..

i din realize how all this was affecting my health until past couple of days.. exhaustion has sucked me hollow .. and now am behaving like an ostrich by avoiding to go to doctor.. well baba now i totally understand why u hate da docs.. its like a
kiss from the devil.. u want it .. to know how it feels.. and yet u scared that the romantic dream u have about kiss will get totally shattered..

but i will garner enough courage and c a doc tomorrow..

god pl make the doc handsome even if my results aint that good ..


pressure is good .. is positive .. helps perform better.. but not to the extend that i am taking off late..

so the new mantra..

Tension lene ka Nahi.. Gum kar dene ka !!

(Dont take tension.. just loosen it up .. )

is that the right translation .. nah .. so i do need to loosen it a bit n take a chill pill...

Guys this is called a stress test.. if this pic makes sense to u.. then u r in need of serious medical help..

Go Take A Vacation !!

dexter n tyson.. yeh dosti ....

tyson is dexter's 8 months old german Sheppard buddy.. the camaraderie they share is so heart warming .. dogs are truely the most endearing creatures i know on earth :)..


Hi Dexter.. muah


Hi Tyson.. muah back



Ok .. done with da niceties .. let da war begin ... bring it on !!

celebrating the spirit of woman ?

today's paper is full of discounts for woman to look good in order to celebrate woman’s day. media as usual glorifies the influential few under the sham of woman of substance .. most of them in lieu of achievement have to their credit a striking figure and botox face or they know the all important other people or have a credit record dat can buy them out.

is this what we stand for today ? and why do we need a special day to remind us of being a woman ? why is there no man's day ?

its funny we cry our throat sore that we do not need special treatment, we are equal to men and then we just go all out to prove just the opposite..



it truely no longer is a man's world as today the oppressed just got a more raw deal and the influential just played a more suave game is the story .. holds true for both sexes..

as a woman i today feel the world is my playground .. i can do things that my ma just dreamt of for me to do.. yes we have progressed .. the educated middle class has given woman a reason to celebrate but yet social stigmas and hypocrisy does mar some of the success but the story in villages is still ancient.. woman are still treated as mere objects of pleasure, child bearer and rarer, sex slave and other inhuman things. But not as a living.. feeling.. thinking creature ..

Please media highlight that and while celebrating woman’s day please focus on woman welfare and victories rather than frivolous things like beauty and fashion for woman.. as woman stands for much more than that .. try understanding her depth .. her spirit .. her joys .. her love.. try understanding her for a change..

one word for men.. please note that when we say NO we MEAN IT!!
i just find the hindi film romanticism about woman not speaking her mind out too out of place in today's scenario.. it might have happened some century back not any more!!

baby where have you been ??

as a kid i would do exactly what i felt, would smile when i wanted to, would cry my heart out when i needed to, talk my mind out with my limited vocabulary, nudge for the hug before it was due, throw tantrums for attention when overdue, fight tooth and nail literally for the toy i loved, mourn when my dear doll was not well, now am not dat proud of this reaction but what the heck .. that was me .. he he




i wonder what does the "process of growing up" have to necessarily take away from us our right of being what we are .. why cant we have reactions without being processed about their rightfulness ??

to begin with .. who defines right and wrong.. who defines boundaries.. who defines our thoughts .. is it education or lack of understanding that governs our believes .. our reactions and why has it to be so skewed towards righteousness.. why is everybody right and no one wrong ? why do we justify all that we do ? why do we fight a half hearted battle and then shove the blame of our folly on a hapless soul ? why is corruption so strong and bigotry so rampant.. why are obstacles so difficult to cross and the poor and the oppressed find them alone in their lives.. why is relation a means to fool ourselves about love around us ?.. what about love inside ? why so many gurus around to preach and none to follow ??

why .. baby where have you been ?? this has been the way of the world .. yesterday.. today and tomorrow.. you accept it and find a way around it .. u will be happy .. if you want to fight it .. learn from those who changed this world albeit for a little while .. and then come back a winner or with a checklist of things not to do !!

my story too has a happy ending !!

love you for ever .. yes that was my promise.. but as the cliché goes about promises.. yes they are meant to be broken.. i break all rules, i cheat, i steal, i kill your spirit .. your trust .. your confidence .. i kill you....



i live through my life by selfish rules and with immense faith and dedication towards these rules..

a good life it is .. women at my beck and call, money in my bank in heaps .. and huge heaps mind you .. parents who dote on me and idolize me.. a dutiful wife, children to pamper and who love and fear me.. what more could a man want.. peace ??

what about peace .. the noise inside tries to chide me .. i just calmly smile back .. that is peace.. people i have cheated are lost in the world of anonymity, so i am in peace here..if the game made me loose.. i changed the game.. if she left me .. i ensured she went to no one else either.. he tried to curb my path, now he cant find his way around his destiny..

i am on top and the world looks beautiful from here.. albeit a bit small.. a bit dirty .. a bit powerless .. but up here i am in peace..

i am not only in peace with myself .. i am now passing on this path of peace .. accomplishment.. spirituality to others who have faltered in their path..

many of my pupils are making me proud.. yes this also gives me peace...

the voice inside smiles.. he is battered but yet makes his opinion about me heard.. he tells me this wont last for ever .. he says i have to pay for the hurt .. the pain .. the pathos i created .... he says my end will be very painful.... i smile back...

it did come .. my end.. i was ready for it..
i had enough of Peace on Earth .. now let the party begin .. IN HELL !!

Fight for Peace ..

the attack on sri lankan cricket team once again brings us back to the most primitive of feeling.. survival..

we are cocooned smugly in our ivory towers built on the farce of money, power, believe of "this wont happen to me" that we refuse to see how vulnerable we are at the moment.

of course what can we do about a hoards of anti social elements who camouflage themselves as our neighbors, friends, acquaintance, stranger or a crowd .. right ?

well not necessarily..


first of all we need to accept the reality of today, uncertainty looms us like a giant dragon, destruction, his only motive..



we all need to be more aware of our surroundings .. not just walk on the street but see the street we walk on.. take ref checks very seriously even if its an new acquaintance or a co worker.. keep all the emergency numbers handy on your mobile and also hard copy of the same.. donate blood every 6 months .. so that you have enough blood reserve god forbidding if you ever need it.. and most of all be there to help people in distress.. tomorrow could be your turn to get the favor returned..

i have learned these lessons the harder way and follow them .. when peace is at threat .. we need to find all our weapons and win peace over ..

from the country whose endurance is legendary .. let us show the world that we are also a country that will stand for peace at any term even if that means fighting an inner battle.. conquering our fears and soaring high again as ONE UNITED FRONT against all our detractors !!

Vote for a better stronger stable India
Stand for what we believe in
Leave Religion out of politics and politics out of religion
Learn to empathize and stop being judgmental
Help others .. period
and Smile its not the end of the world .... yet :)

JAI HIND !!

Life is like that only !!

well so much for being a strong believer of the philosophy of "The Secrets", i surely have a long way to go :).. for those lesser mortals who are yet not enlightened by this philosophy, here is the shortest version of it as interpreted by me .. " ask and you shall get"

like i said i felt miserable that day and instead of applying secrets i glorified this feeling .. reveling somewhere deep inside that i am some psychic (which of course i would strongly disagree to if asked then)

so the universe said so be it.. i was going to Udaipur on official purpose.. and as i had predicted ... things went off the handle right from the airport.. For about an hour i could not locate the car that had come to pick me up, the scorching heat acted as lubricant to my temper which anyways does not need much encouragement.

to make things even worse the animated discussion I and the car driver were having for an hour drew a small amused crowd and finally a sympathetic man came up to me and said he would talk to the driver in local language to get clarification of the situation and there it was.... he was waiting for me in Jaipur airport and i was stranded at Udaipur airport .. Letters "J", " U" and "D" gained special importance in my life just then..

well now it seems funny but just then my world seemed to crumble and i mentally hugged myself waiting for further problems..

Due to massive mis communication (which is still an understatement) i was stranded in a city where there was no one from my office to help me with my work. after the initial panic got over and after a series of phone call to friends and work colleagues i felt i was ready for it all.. well all said too early...

the hotel i was booked in was called 'hotel hilltop" well for a reason .. it was actually over the hill.. that kinda freaked me.. it was an old palace converted into an hotel or so they told me.. at the reception not a soul .. wow what more could i ask for ... the rooms were white and huge and had an aura of old mystery and grandeur around it.. i double checked the huge white shower curtains, the window curtains, the door curtains for traces of spirit.. none i could see .. that dint do much to my composure as i believe you can feel them more than see them.. luckily for me i dint feel their presence inspite of my crazy anticipation.


well the silver lining was sure there .. i got help with my work from people whom i dint know until that day.. life is like that only.. you get pleasure when you dont seek it and sorrow when you feel it couldnt get worse.. just then it actually get a bit more worse.. as though sorrow is mocking you.. "hey buddy dont under estimate me"

my work got done smoothly in the two days of stay not only that the little adventure i had was fun.. i would not get an auto up the hill so i had to walk all the way down in my 6 inch platforms with the smoldering heat as my only company.. the spiraling way made me feel like transformed to another era where feet were the only mode of transport and i said a little prayer thanking god for petrol and automobile.. auto drivers rigged me off but i am still thankful to them as they really made efforts to locate the addresses of my destinations..i discovered that there are sculptures made from camel bone and also paintings done on flattened camel bone. i also discovered this beautiful city full of lakes, gardens.. handicraft and warm people..


in the past two days i have to thank so many strangers who have showered so many niceties on me without any expectation of returns. I am truly touched by these gestures ..

thanks manish, pramod, abdul, the auto drivers, rajesh, mr sonik,jigz, bro and nik


here are some of the pictures i took from my mobile.. Udaipur you rock

i forgot the name of these two lakes




this is called doodh talai.. story goes .. folks from udaipur would pour a glass of milk every day in this talai so it had become white as it contained milk.. but gradually as minds started getting devious, one man thought why not add half glass milk and half a glass of water .. then another thought.. in this milk why not add only water.. and gradually the talai began to contain only water n no doodh.. ironic


can you imagine a Kali Mata carved from tree trunk in a gardern in udaipur.. truly incredible India !!

future = uncertainty = fear = courage = success

have you felt totally disconnected from surroundings which till yesterday spelled nothing but familiarity .. love.. protection.. solitude.. most of all belonging.. gave you sense of identity.. a sense of belonging .. i off late feel i dont connect with anything around me.. its a bit weird since nothing around me has changed radically.. well whom am i kidding no where close to change either.. life is the same.. people around me are the same.. my work place is the same.. my friends n family are the same and yet i feel so different off late

Like I am preparing for this change that is going to hit my life and somewhere it does not make me that happy which is a bit scary. coz i am the kind of person who thrives on change as it makes me feel alive.. the sense of adventure .. new learning .. newness always has made me dizzy with a pleasure i cannot explain .. there is a gleam in my otherwise totally boring eyes ...

hmmm .. maybe i am hallucinating and maybe am not.. time alone as they say will tell.. untill then i have too many things to finish in present to worry too much about the future.. but then i feel change or wateva it is my future is standing in the dark corner .. waiting for an opportune time to unfold the mystery ..