happiness an internal pursuit

when i was a child, like any other child happiness was always round the corner, sometimes in a chocolate bar, a doll, mother's lap, a swing ride, father's arm, a free class, exams over ... yes happiness was always around the corner..

came adolescence and yet it was round the next corner.. the higher marks,the better college, the cute boy called, the perfect dress, a book that caught on to my fantasy and still mother's lap, father's arms...

then came the work life.. happiness came and i told it to go back for more.. better designation.. better pay.. better cute boy .. better dress .. mother should bear me more.. father should listen to my point of view... brother should think i am the real rock star.. yes i wanted more happiness.. but i so deserved it..


then came a day when i realized .. happiness has gone .. not just round the next corner .. nor the next block... what i did not realize that when i was pushing it away .. i was attracting loneliness .. self contempt and doubt .. self doubt..

i suddenly got scared... and started my pursuit for happiness.. it was an external search that left me more n more unhappy .. tired .. lost.. angry and frightened... i felt someone had left me i a dark dungeon all by myself.. i yelled for help .. the darkness just ignored me.. i coaxed the wind to carry my message.. wind just thinned out of there... i cried till my throat got parched and my senses were numb.. and then i heard a voice .. a small voice.. i looked around in hope but could see no one .. blamed the darkness for mocking me.. pushed the dust for playing its cruel game as i was all alone and there was no one... well other than me... that is when I realized i was running away from me.. i was not listening to me.. i was trying to find happiness out there but it lay in here .. inside me ...

from here started my internal pursuit for happiness.. in that dungeon of loneliness i searched for myself.. i am learning to accept myself for what i am.. i am learning to be grateful for whatever i have today and yet learning to live with the fact .. tomorrow i may not have that .. but i will have myself so i will be ok.. i no longer force changes on myself .. i seek the importance of these changes and teach them to be part of me... i am learning to be me and to be with me alone... the process has started.. the journey will continue....