Respect Vs Love

After reading my blog post, a friend of mine said his view is contrary to mine, he believes there can be no love without respect. If respect is over, there is no love left and its just obligation. He felt I had not explained my point of view well in my previous post, so here goes

Long and short of it in my view, respect is earned and its retention is suggested to conditions. A person's action has to be insync with the value system which earned him or her the respect in the first case. Its not emotional - its data driven. A person's action will earn respect and leavay may be given a couple of times but repeatedly if a person flounders then respect is lost. Can it be earned again - I think its a very long and difficult uphill task not many will be ready to take up (Else they would not have let go of their values so easily)

But love, well love is another story. Love, the pure one is unconditional. It does not have an ulterior motive, it does not see whether the person deserves it or not, its there, showing solidarity with the person throughout their journey, even if some actions are not condoned.

Question is can love exist without respect. According to me it can. Few examples to explain the same better, if two people who love each other - the romantic kind of love, but one partner has lost respect for the other partner, he may continue to be in love with the partner - even if they may or may not be in the relation. Like wise siblings - you may love them like crazy, support them but if certain actions have caused you to loose respect for them, love may survive and be enough for the relationship to survive.

I dont want to undermine love, the pure, unconditional kind. Love is the innocent child, that knows no fear, will never give up hope, which knows no boundaries, love is eternal. If your hurt love, it will run away like an angry child but its easy to win it back. Nurture it with care and commitment, it will be yours, like a child - it will smile at you with its purity and forget the past pain in an instant.

But respect is like that strict coach - earning brownie points wont be easy, retaining them even more tough, but you cant take it for granted. You have to prove your worth each time.

We all want love and respect, sometimes we tend to take love a bit more for granted and respect does not permit such grants. So ya for me, love can exist with or without respect :)

Me, We, Us & then there is that !

During my recent work trip, I saw such different visions of love at the airport, it made my heart go "awww" to "ouch" to "oooo"in a matter of few minutes


An elderly couple were at an accessory store and the husband was choosing real jazzy clutch purses for his lady love and the lady was very sweetly telling him she does not have a sari to match the clutch instead of telling his he has a horrid taste in clutches :)

Well other than this couple, nothing in the store caught my fancy and so I left the store after my little mental cooing at the couple and went to  wait in the lounge with my cuppa and a quick bite. There I see another couple - this one in their early 30 is my guess, and from giggling and sweet nothings being loudly exchanged to a full blown fight happened in matter of 5 minutes. I was inwardly cringing at the loud decibel and really harsh exchange taking place.

I quickly got out of there when my head started its rude pounding, to find a spot near my flight gate and there again I saw an old man on a wheel chair and I am guessing his daughter or daughter in law grabbing a bite together. The lady was diligently cutting the sandwich into small pieces and the old man with his shaking hands was very slowly lifting the piece and eating it and the lady was every once in a while wiping his face with lots of affection. This scene made my heart feel peace and made world again a great place to be :)

Sometimes observing others (Which I love doing) gives you so many live lessons which actually stays back with you and is presented during your time of need. These three incidences go me thinking, whether my belief that respect is more important than love applies in each of these situation.

Let me elaborate.

I believe that respect is the most critical ingredient in any kind of relationship - love comes a distant second. If you love someone dearly - be it your partner, child, parents, best friend, mentor but respect has been lost due to any or many circumstance, the relationship becomes a chore - soul is lost -you would do things out of love for the person or cause of the past history together but joy will be depleted little by little, it wont be instant and it wont be quick but over a long period of time you will realize, the relation just exists and is no longer alive.

But on the  other hand, if respect exists between two individuals, they can create an environment of joy, prosperity and growth together. Respect will also bring in love, togetherness and a sense of belonging with it. Respect for me is the core of any relationship and that being the relationship which I have with myself as I strongly believe if I dont respect and love myself, no one will. But at the same time I always keep the sole custody of my happiness. I love people with souls filled with quirks, I love the dynamics of family, am a sucker for romantic love, fairytales and romcoms and the joy these all relationships get in our life and how they enrich our lives. But I also love with equal or may be a bit more zeal my me time, me with my crazy thoughts, my dreams,my chocolate,my books, my window shopping, my talks with dexter, my spirited discussion with sai baba.

One thing I still wonder is - can respect be earned back or will weight of doubt pave the path to doom? Love can but not respect is the short answer that comes to my mind instantly but then life is full of paradoxes - so you never know I might in future see an example of regained respect minus any baggage.

Have a good weekend. I for sure is going to have one :)



Leaving a click - the co passenger created his in flight entertainment by using the airline bib in an indigenous manner. Oh how I love desi jugaad mindset !!

Where's the potty tonight !

First question on 1st Jan asked by most is "Where did you party"

And if you celebrated it, like the rest of your nights , with a healthy dose of sleep instead of vodka, both you and the person who asked this question would label you "boring", "uncool" and many more not happening things. 

I was really tired of explaining to people this time, despite it being the beginning of a new decade, why healthy dose of sleep with a sumptuous meal of self love coupled with loadsa scoop of gratitude still qualifies as a "cool" and "hep and happening" bang into the next decade. 

But what is ironic is the ones that dug too deep to find out reason why I celebrated it in this manner were the not happening types as per hoity toity judgmental me (I call them the shallow dumb fcuks) 

But honestly towards the end, 2% of self belief did shake and I had to school myself back to my philosophy "my right is my right and can be other left and is still right"

What I did not like was the pressure of looking cool is more than being cool and it is at its peak during the social occasions created actually to make people feel good about themselves and to strengthen bonds.

 

So are we creating deep bonds by partying with people we do not care much in our hearts but are good for the insta uploads or creating bonds by staying connected with people who matter even if these people wont get you those insta hearts but make your real heart mush up with the warmth they radiate, is a choice each one of us are making consciously or subconsciously. 

However not judging others on the choices they make is one of the things am working on myself. 

One new habit I am really enjoying inculcating is, each time I want to do / think / say something that is not in line with my new fundamentals of behaviours I want to inculcate within me, I drink water to distract myself. 

Agitated, drink water

Sad, drink water

Self pity, more water 

Wanna be snarky, loadsa water 

You get the drift..

So Drink - Pee trip - Repeat is helping me with its 3 fold benefits. Firstly - Distracts me from erring the hydrating way, secondly - my skin and hair will soon be  more healthy and glowing and thirdly - exercise I get with the long walk from my workstation to rest room at work and at home I go to my ma's wash room so get whatever little walks our bombay houses permit - all in all I walk more and often so I get more tired and I sleep better. 

Bottom line - I am smirking mentally each time I remember these benefits and I have increased the count of my self admiration club - 20% more of me is now a part (well thats 50% growth guys)

So I gotta go pee again and you have a good evening :)

Pari hoon main !

This saturday, I took my 15 month old niece to the park behind my house. Its her daily to do thing with my Baba. There I met this bundle of energy named Pari. She came up to us, introduced herself and shared her life story so far of 6 years in the 2.5 hours. Loved her energy, confidence and vivaciousness. Best part she called me didi and told me my teeth are yellow. Haha, way to send you in cloud nine and bring you back to ground zero in few seconds :) I envy the energy the kids  have from starting to end. Both the girls thoroughly entertained me with their antics.

However it got me thinking, how much of my child like nature am I carrying with me, which part of that child like spirit I have brutally cut off and which part am I trying to nurture. 

Introspection is something I love doing but the unflattering outcomes makes me uncomfortable for some time. Then I just bounce back to saying its ok. 

However I got thinking and I would like to believe thinking deep. As a child I would always approach people new to me with an openness, world was always mine to conquer, small joys made my day and worry points in like was that homework I needed to complete else I had to be ready for my Ma's wrath. 

Has much of my situations changed vs my childhood ? Or have I worn new glasses that makes me look at my world differently ?

School got traded for work place

Exams to projects

Openness got traded with experience leading to cynical behaviour most times 

Vivacious self got traded off with cautious schooled appropriate communication so as to not hurt sentiments 

Small joys got traded off the most. Why ? How ? How to reduce the delta ? Is what I am trying to figure out the most.

That unbridled laughter and the end with a snort that my Ma and bro would make most fun of is what I miss most about being me. 

I love reading quotes and the wisdom shared in such few powerful words always impressed me and always got me thinking as well as to how relevant it is even today what great minds had said centuries ago

And quotes about "Living in the moment" always made me mentally shrug  my shoulders  and roll my eyes. However due to  series of life changing events, I have now come to realize the living in the moment is one of the wisest philosophy and one that is most difficult to follow. 

So now am back to school, learning to live in the moment, unlearning too many things which do not serve me anymore. I am now hunting the small joys and being grateful for each one of them

Homework for me is going back to writing this blog - however stupid the post turns out, I am gonna pen my thoughts and not judge them too much 

Openness ah that's a difficult  and easy one - somethings its easy to be open and some others letting go of wisdom gained is difficult. However I am now getting open to the idea of new experiences and ones in a while letting go of the safety blanket loving me and accepting "lets try it"  me 

So here's to celebrating being alive vs just existing, completely cutting off than being polite for society, saying as is honestly but with empathy vs sugar coating the truth, creating vs fitting in. 

Hopefully will get some decent grade this year. 

Cheers to these to young ladies. May they grow to be the strong, independent & empathetic humans !

Heal (paw) the pain !

Dexter its going to be 4 years since I saw you last, since I felt your soft fur, cuddled with you, drank into your unique smell, felt the deep love and innocence in your eyes, the anger when I came home late from work or forgot to let you sniff the new stuff I bought, the doggo ball style we played, the blanket snatching game, the long walks, the sniffing and chomping off the treats, your drools when we eat anything, literally anything.

Your calm self being there beside when I feel alone, lost and broken, the winter snuggle in our comforter and then u just going off because you had enough of the overdose of love I would shower [ya you were mean at times :p but I still love u] the love you gave every person you met, how you bug ma and she getting mad at u and me trying to create peace, uff I can still laugh and both your antics.

Your jumping around when u were ecstatic about a new toy or just me coming home after a tour, I now pack my bags at leisure and miss u even more because I had to do all my packing after you went off to sleep else you would be sad the entire evening.

Your naughty face when you did some mischief but were confident we would not figure that out or the damage is done and your confidence that you  can manipulate us with your charm and you were right each and every time, you would get away most times with a empty threat from us.

How you would knock at the door when I closed it so that u dont bug me, haha every one around thought it was a human knocking haha. How you would try to break a tiff between me and bro by jumping on top of him, how you would get super possessive if anyone tried to hug me, how mad you would get when I would pet another doggo, I miss you waking me up every single morning and the morning cuddles, i miss our car rides together and your joy when u smelled polluted air :).

Dexter, do you know that the dog spa you went to has closed down ? Whenever I see that shop i have so many fond memories, though a new one has come in its place it will be still your spa to me, your eagerness to go there, ur unwillingness to stay there and your anger if i were 5 minutes late to pick you up. How dapper you thought you looked after the spa and how you would flaunt yourself to ma and baba wanting them to acknowledge your highness's hotness :)

Rains always remind me of your raincoat and how u initially thought it did not cool on you as peeps on the street were laughing at you and later on, on my insistence same peeps would pet you and go so that you were convinced you were looking good. Vain ass you are !   Your winter coats and how u preferred the blue over red was funny, even today I have so many people still talking about you and it still brings tears in my eyes. But I feel so proud to be known as Dexter's ma. Haha ya some folks on street still call me that. Haha you improved my social skills :p

My ranting can never stop so I go back to mental ranting again :)
.
Dexter I miss you a lot and I am sure you are at a better place now and spreading more joys, I am grateful for the way you touched my life and changed it for ever. I love you a lot and miss you every single day of my life and I know you are there with me always, laughing at my stupidities, hugging me when am down, hearing me ranting to you about my silly problems and not so silly ones as well.

I have stopped eating mackerel, am sure u must be super happy about it u mean ass :) but honestly i cannot eat it without u trying to snatch it from me. I had also stopped eating sea cod caps as we both would eat it together, you unwillingly and me by choice, but now had to make myself eat it again but I remember you each time i eat it [Ok not very time by many times]

I thought with time the pain of missing you would reduce. But it does not and am kind of  trying to learn to live with the pain. Some part of the pain I try to overcome - like how I  hated my house as it had so many memories of the weekends you and I would spend there. You know  past 4 years I hardly went there but now slowly I am trying to not hate the place so much. However some pains have increased. Like seeing another Labrador,  I try to find you in them and I know its not you. If a street doggo tries to come for a cuddle, I again search you in them. I cannot make myself go to a pet store. But I went one time and it hurt me too much so I quickly bought what I needed and left. I so loved our pet store visits how you got special privilege to enter the store coz of your cute ass nature and how exciting those trips were for you :)


Hey now Baban has Angel and he is like your alter ego. Haha. He is a goof ball and poor thing has to bare the load of your supreme legacy but he does not give a doggo fuck. Haha he is one crazy.I do love him in my own way but I guess I still cannot allow another soul to touch my hear the way you did.

I know I know you are bored of my ranting and you know I would give your those famous soul suffocating cuddles and zillion kisses which would embarrass you so I stop but then come on you annoying Dexter the monster why had you to be so frigging awesome :)

I love you more every single day and pray you remain the awesome soul you are in every life you take and if there is heaven above you get the most royal treatment u deserve.

Dexter till we meet again and again

Dexter, my 12 year old boy [ Labrador] left us for his next pursuit of happiness on a sunday of 2016 [May 15th 2016 at 9:05 pm]

My brother was off on his honeymoon  so we did not tell him till he returned a week later. Our entire family's acting skills was put to test that week and we did pass looks like as my brother was not able to make out our loss. He happens to be a very perceptive boy [He is 30+ but will always remain the child to me].

That night after his death, I slept beside him, trying to capture in all my senses his soft ears, his unique smell, his nose that twitched, body so warm growing cold and stiff every minute. His beautiful ever expressive eyes which were truly the window to his amazing soul was shut from me. I held him tight and cried all night and when morning came, that one last car ride which he enjoyed so much, he lay in my arms and I held my boy tight in my heart,hoping this nightmare comes to an end.

For the first year I relived the events of the day every Sunday in my mind. Blaming myself for not being there for the couple of hours I went out, blaming the vet who did not take my endless calls, blaming God for not letting Dexter be in better health longer.

I did some weird stuff to deal with the pain. I went to a tarot reader to find out whether he was happy after I read they can contact animal souls as well. My brother found a psychic who told him dexter will come back to him as another dog. I and my mother felt Dexter's presence initially every night and gradually it decreased. We still feel him around but maybe once in 15 days or more. I Googled this and as usual Google did throw up some explanation on this. Same as that for human soul.

I would sit to write an eulogy, a sonnet , a poem for my child but no words could express the soul shattering pain I am going through and other reason being I am not a good writer and not even a bad poet.

Dealing with loss of human is very difficult but dealing with loss of animal soulmate is excruciatingly painful as unlike humans they dont have selfish motives, no flaws, dont cheat and I could go on. But I am sure we as human are aware of the flaws we have. Some research in USA proved what pet owners have felt for centuries, loss of pet is more traumatic then loss of another human.

The difference between loss of human loved one, others can understand but how can loss of a dog make you so weepy ? Get over it .. he was old .. Get over it .. he is just a dog.. Get over it and get a new one.. Get married !!! Well these were some of the verbal and non verbal communications I received from people close and not so close to me.. some knew Dexter personally some knew him via my facebook post. Another bad thing about FB post.. it shows you memories and thats when I realized my FB post were mostly Dexter's  pictures and the fireworks would go on every morning seeing it.

So No I have not yet got another dog or any pet. My brother has a one and half year old golden retriever named ironically Angel who stays with us from morning to evening and evening to next  day morning he stays with my brother and my sister in law. I call him Gundappa swamy [ Loosely translated King of Goons as he is a hell raiser] Poor thing is always measured against the so much larger than life legacy Dexter has left behind.

My grief is that of mother who waits to meet her dead child in next life. Letting go does not look like an option nor choice but I know eventually I have to make peace with Dexter being in my heart my soul my thoughts and being part of every happy memory I have of my life.

I had made two puppet dogs from the last rice which Dexter use to eat and had given one to my brother and one for me. Something to hold on to when all is gone. I had given away all his clothes toys utensils to a dog shelter. But now my brother feels its time to let go of that too. I grudgingly agreed to it. Letting go is easy said than done.

Some days its a truck load of tears that make my heart light and some days its a sob that makes my heart heavy.

What makes my heart swell up in happiness and tears for once I shed of joy when relatives and friends share how they felt Dexter was a soul from heaven and touched their live in his own special ways.

So Dexter my love you will always be loved more every passing day and my love and hugs and kisses till we meet again and again. Soulmates forever.

Last picture of Dexter taken - 15 days before his last smile.

Hop(p)ing Alive

Somethings in life always keeps hope alive. Dexter's love for life is one of them for me.

He is now 11 years old. Over the past 3 -4 years when Labradors his age started  hobnobbing with old age, Dexter still was in his best costume of health. But past 4 - 5 months Dexter was battling with arthritis and bladder problem.

Things which are part and parcel of old age started weighing my family down like any family which has a ageing member. 

But what keeps us going is Dexter does not believe he is unwell or aging. He still tries to run and catch the cat on his good days. He still wants to snatch the blanket from me when I am sleeping. 

Only our reactions now differ. Earlier his naughtiness would make us laugh earlier and now his naughtiness and lack of it brings in tears. 

Life is passing by, finding it difficult to catch up  and living the moment without touching pain is out of my grasp. 

So only thing one can do, make the hugs tighter, the kisses longer, the words sweeter, the touch, more gentle and hope more stronger.